I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
