I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
