I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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