I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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