one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
