shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
