i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
