Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm too high and old for this...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
