THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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