Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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