i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
