if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
