I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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