When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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