She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
