Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
