I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
