tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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