Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
