This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize