Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
