I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Found the puke drawer
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Randomize
