his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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