Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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