You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
this must be what syphilis tastes like
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
