Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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