Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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