Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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