omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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