I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
