Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
