so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
