Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think your dad took our porno
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
