If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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