This dress was meant to end up on your floor
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This baby is an asshole
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
