I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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