Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
