I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
