I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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