We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
we're so committed to being not committed
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
