the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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