I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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