I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
