I'm passing your future prison.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
its liver damage thursday
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