So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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