I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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