dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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