I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
