I wanna bring you to show and tell
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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