Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
