Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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