The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
