we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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