Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
