got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
