and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
